Just kidding! That’s a dramatic flash-forward to the end of Pilot Pete’s “unbelievable” “journey,” when he apparently gets some bad news right before heading to the Proposal Platform. But why focus on the last episode when the first one just happened and was a whopping THREE HOURS LONG? Let’s recap!
We begin with a TV-budget Top Gun tribute, as Pilot Pete strides out of a hangar, dressed like Aviation Ken in his leather jacket and sunglasses, and fires up his little propeller plane for a scenic tour of Southern California. For all of you who think Peter is way too white bread (excuse me while I raise my hand), the Ready to Find Love Again Montage™ focuses quite a bit on Peter’s Cuban roots. We see him habla-ing español and cooking some delicioso Cuban food with his adorable mom Barbara, and even doing a little salsa hip-shimmy in the kitchen. Then this happens:
No, our Bachelor Nation overlord Chris Harrison hasn’t taken a second job driving for Lyft — he’s just cruising around with Pilot Pete, chattin’ about “love” and filling time. (Side note: I’d watch a series called Contestants in Cars with Chris Harrison if Netflix wants to give it a shot.)
“Waxing is a lot like love,” she says. “You have to bare it all.” Honestly, neither of those things is true. Next!
Tammy, 24: Team Bachelor definitely wants us to know that Tammy the real estate agent from Syracuse is tough. We see her wrestling a dude, dead-lifting huge weights, and talking about how she’s ready to “smash down walls” to find her man. Noted!
Victoria P., 27: And we have our first sad backstory of the evening! Poor Victoria lost her dad at 2, and then her mom succumbed to addiction, so she had to take care of her younger sister growing up. Today she’s a nurse, her mom’s sober, and all that’s missing is a handsome blonde man to add to this attractive blonde family.
Kelley, 27: Kelley, her dad, and her wisecracking, “overprotective” brothers work as attorneys at the family law firm in Chicago. Breaking: NBC just optioned Kelley’s family for the latest spin-off, Chicago Meddlers.
Madison, 23: Hey Peter, if you need a wife who can play basketball, this young woman from Alabama is for you. Madison won four — count ‘em, four! — state championships with her high school b-ball team. She’s is also a “Foster Parent Recruiter,” so bonus points for having a soul, Madison!
Maurissa, 23: Let me see if I have this straight: After winning Miss Montana Teen USA, Maurissa was so traumatized by mean comments about her body on the pageant blogs that she stopped competing and gained 80 pounds. Then one day she decided to “get [her] stuff together.” Now she’s fit and healthy, and she helps other people “feel great about themselves”… by working as a patient coordinator for two plastic surgeons? Huh, okay. Not sure what the message is here (“plastic surgery saved my life?” “I overcame the horrors of body insecurity?”), but I’m fairly certain there has to be something more interesting about Maurissa than her fluctuating weight. Right? (Don’t answer that.)
It’s limo time, rose lovers! Get your butt to the mansion, Pilot Pete! Papa Harrison is waiting for you. “Are you over Hannah?” the host asks. The question is moot, obviously, because the show isn’t over Hannah Brown. (More on that later.) Let’s meet the “ladies!”
Out first is Alayah, a 24-year-old orthodontist assistant from Texas. She presents Peter with a letter from her Grandma Rose, though she has “no idea what it says.” Still, as far as limo gimmicks go, this seems on-brand with Peter’s whole family-first thing. I can’t say the same thing for Sydney, a 24-year-old retail marketing manager from Alabama: Her idea of making a good first impression on Peter is trash-talking the last woman he loved. “Not every girl from ‘Bama makes bad decisions,” she giggles.
Hannah Ann emerges next, rocking an emerald green dress and that bright pink lip gloss she loves so much. What is a “Medical Radiographer,” you ask? I don’t know, but our next contestant — Sarah, 24 — does that for a living. Hopefully she’ll stay long enough to explain her job to us. Sarah is followed by Lauren, 26, a marketing executive from California, who shows up in a black lace catsuit. It’s definitely a choice, but Peter says he LOVES it. “She is gorgeous!”
Victoria P. helps the Bachelor work out his nerves by doing a “happy dance” with him, and then Mykenna (22, “fashion blogger”) ogles Peter like the shiny hunk of man-meat that he is. Maurissa leads Peter in a “pinkie promise” to stay true to themselves during their “journey.” Then comes Kelsey, 28. What is a “professional clothier,” you ask? I don’t know, Kelsey apparently wrote that down as her occupation.
At last, some props! Eunice (23, Chicago) arrives wearing white angel wings over her purple gown. “I figured since I’m a flight attendant, I’d just wing it!” she says. Poor Eunice thinks being a flight attendant will help her stand out, but what she doesn’t know is that she just gave Team Bachelor a perfect segue into their first running joke of the evening.
“So apparently everyone and their mother is a flight attendant,” sighs Eunice, once she learns about Jade (26) and Megan (26). That’s right, Eunice! But don’t feel bad, because later on, all of the Victorias will realize there’s nothing special about them either. If there’s one thing Team Bachelor loves, it’s reminding women that they simply aren’t unique enough to find “love.”
Madison arrives “riding” a giant paper airplane (silly, but I don’t hate it), while Tammy scans Peter’s nether-regions with a metal detector. “They told me there was a large package in front of the mansion,” she explains. Man, the terrible puns are on point tonight! Perhaps my favorite airplane-themed gimmick, though, comes courtesy of Shiann (27, administrative assistant), who hands Pilot Pete a barf bag to help him get through all of those “nauseating” night-one conversations. Hey, did you bring enough for all of us, honey?
Courtney, the 26-year-old cosmetologist, makes another attempt at air travel humor — riding a tiny, toy airplane (on wheels) up the driveway, accompanied by two air-traffic controllers — but it was as uncomfortable to watch as it was to execute. At least she spent most of her entrance in the dark.
Not only did Kiarra (23, nanny) cram her whole body into a suitcase for her limo gimmick — she arrived via luggage cart pushed by a guy dressed as an airport skycap — she did it while wearing lucite platform heels. So she’s limber and confident! Even Harrison is impressed. “That’s like some David Copperfield s—,” he marvels, examining the suitcase once Kiarra has gone inside. “We should cut her in half later!”
Lexi, a 26-year-old marketing coordinator, drives up in a sexy red convertible, but it’s all in service of a pretty weak joke. “Clearly, I like to go fast,” she says. “I heard you do, too.” Then finally — finally! — we get our first windmill gag of the night.
Meet Deandra. She’s 23, a home care coordinator, and she has just one question for Pilot Pete: “Are you ready for round five?” Okay, rose lovers, I know that if you’re reading this, there is a 99.99999 percent chance that you already know this, but for anyone who is wondering what this windmill joke means, here’s the backstory: Hannah and Peter’s Fantasy Suite date took place in a windmill-turned-hotel in Greece. On the After the Final Rose special, Hannah revealed to the world (including Peter’s parents, who were in the audience) that she and the handsome pilot consummated their “love” four times that night. Cue “The More You Know” music…
Other “ladies” note Peter’s windmill prowess during their introduction as well. “Four times?” screeches Payton (23, business development rep), while Jasmine, a 25-year-old client relations manager, offers the Bachelor a traditional Asian greeting:
Kylie, 26, shows up with a long strip of condoms, but I’m more interested in her job title. “Entertainment Sales Associate?” So, she sells… entertainment? Girl, if you work at a movie theater or run the Tilt-a-Whirl at your local Six Flags, no need to be ashamed. Just own it.
On the other hand, Katrina (28, pro sports dancer), absolutely should be ashamed for her tacky introduction. “You’re gonna fall in love with my hairless…” [long pause] “…pussy…” [long pause] “…cat!” Hey honey, go find Alexa — you two have a lot in common.
Poor Victoria F., meanwhile, can barely get through the naughty joke producers talked her into making. “I have a very dry sense of humor,” she begins, before faltering. “But… that’s about the only thing that is dry right now.” Interesting that ABC’s censors let this bon mot through, after making producers cut Kirpa’s hose gag (“Is it wet around here or is it me?”) from Colton’s season premiere last year. Then again, she barely got the words out, so maybe it doesn’t count.
Jenna, a 22-year-old nursing student, strolls up the driveway with her “emotional support cow” in tow. In a stroke of in-joke genius, Team Bachelor has dubbed the cow “Ashley P,” lest she be confused with any other Ashleys arriving that night. (On the opposite of the intelligence spectrum is Tammy, who thinks Ashley P. is a “pony.”)
“I wanted to come in here as bold as I possibly could,” explains Savannah (27, realtor). One man’s bold is another’s unwanted touching, Savannah.
Kelley from Chicago wasn’t kidding when she told us she met Peter before in a hotel lobby — he actually remembers her when she gets out of the limo. “I was hoping she’d come by,” says Peter with a grin, as Kelley walks into the house.
Man, are the arrivals done yet? We’ve only got three hours! Team Bachelor speeds through the final batch: Alexa the hoo-ha waxer, a 27-year-old cattle rancher named Avonlea, a 31-year-old event planner named Natasha, and…
In a truly shocking (but not shocking) development, rose lovers, former Bachelorette Hannah Brown is the last woman out of the limo. Though all the contestants inside start shame spiraling and freaking out that Alabama Hannah is going to be “competing” with them for Pilot Pete, you and I know that she was already deep into filming Dancing With the Stars at this point. There are two totally harmless (and undramatic) reasons for Hannah’s presence tonight: Her arrival made for great footage for the pre-season promos, and she wanted to give Peter his “co-pilot” wings back. “You’re gonna be great,” she tells him. “I’m so happy for you.”
With that, the limo portion of the evening is finally over. Let the awkward one-on-one chats and Bachelor thievery begin!
At first, most of the interactions are pretty tame — Alayah and Peter read the letter from Grandma Rose; Sydney challenges Peter to a game of windmill-themed mini-golf; Lexi takes him for a ride in her hot sports car, and so on. Hannah Ann gets the first kiss after giving Peter a painting of the Smoky Mountains that she did with her father. Seeing this, the rest of the “ladies” start getting “anxious” — and that’s when things start to get interesting.
Tammy forces Peter to give her the second kiss after handcuffing him and patting him down in another “security check,” but the Bachelor doesn’t seem too into it. Mykenna interrupts Peter’s chat with Natasha by throwing paper airplanes at them while they talk. Not to be outdone, Natasha returns with her own flying object:
After laying the giant paper airplane at Peter and Mykenna’s feet, Natasha stands a few feet away and waits for them to finish talking. She doesn’t even walk away when Peter and Mykenna start kissing. “Tick-tock!” she hollers, casually sipping her tea. Also making bold moves is Hannah Ann, who “steals” Peter for a second and then a third conversation — leaving the rest of the women seething with predictable jealousy. “It really irked me to find out that was her third time [talking to him],” says Shiann, whose chat with Peter was cut short by Hannah Ann’s interruption.
When Shiann tries to confront Hannah Ann about her behavior, though, she’s met with an impenetrable wall of phony politeness. This makes Shiann so angry she cries, and pretty soon poor Victoria F. is bawling too because Peter doesn’t remember that she was the one who told the “dry sense of humor” joke. “There’s so many women, and they’re so pretty,” she cries. “They’re so pretty.”
But which of these pretty women will get the First Impression Rose? To no one’s surprise, it’s Hannah Ann.
Same, girl. Same. Time for the rose ceremony! And this week’s “winners” are… Victoria P., Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, Mykenna, Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, Shiann, and Victoria F.
That means it’s time to say our goodbyes to Kylie, Jade, Maurissa, Katrina, Megan, Jenna, Avonlea, and Eunice. I’m sorry, “ladies,” but we don’t have time for our usual farewell pleasantries, because this episode isn’t over yet. On to the first group date (and second Hannah Brown appearance) of the season!
The first group date goes to Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine, and Victoria F. Naturally, it’s got an aviation theme: Peter brings in two female pilots, Katie Cook and Alisa Johnson, to put the women through flight school. Unfortunately for all of Peter’s potential wives, this involves math.
I can’t believe they made the first female Blue Angels pilot say the words “mile high club.” Anyhow, no one can solve this equation — except for Hannah Ann, and I’m guessing she cheated off of Peter’s whiteboard. After a brief quiz on naughty-sounding aviation terminology (“thrust,” “suck, squeeze, bang, blow,” and, of course, “windmilling”), we’re on to the main event.
Yep, it’s time for the gyroscope, also known as the barf-o-tron 3,000. Just looking at the whirly contraption gives Victoria P. motion-sickness flashbacks to the time she rode the spinning teacups at an amusement park and puked. (We even get a gauzy-blurry image of whirling teacups to accompany Victoria’s story — a callback to the time Team Bachelor made fun of Annaliese’s bumper-car trauma back in season 22.) “I’ve never thrown up in front of a boy before,” whimpers Victoria. “I’m really, really scared.”
With good reason. As soon as Peter stops spinning her on the torture orb, Victoria races to the gender-neutral bathroom and hurls. Ever the gentleman, the Bachelor brings her a nice cold bottle of water to wash the vomit taste out of her mouth.
The last challenge of the day involves a flight-themed obstacle course, including a tricycle race and a quick-change into a pilot’s uniform in an airplane lavatory. (I really hope producers paid Katie and Alisa very well for hosting this nonsense.)
A few questions about the obstacle course: Was I the only one who was relieved to see that those airplane life vests really do inflate quickly? What was that disgusting goo at the bottom of the “emergency slide?” And wait, is Shiann crying again?
Yes she is, rose lovers, and I kind of don’t blame her. For some reason, Kelley was awarded the win — and the private “sunset flight” with Peter — even though she clearly cheated on the last part of the obstacle course.
Honestly, if we can’t trust producers of The Bachelor to enforce the rules of good sportsmanship, who can we trust? When Kelley returns from her romantic flight with Peter, she gets a warm reception from the other “ladies.”
Once again, Tammy and Shiann call Kelley out for cheating, but she just brushes it off. “I didn’t know that the rules were going to be, like, extremely strict.” Still, Kelley knows that the other women don’t like her, and they’d like her even less if they discovered that tonight’s post-date cocktail party is taking place at the very hotel where she and Peter first met. Scandal!
Victoria P. is about to earn her very own Target on Her Back because Peter just yanked a bunch of (totally not fake) roses off the wall in the garden and gave them to her during their one-on-one chat. “You said you had never received flowers from somebody before,” he says proudly. “These are for you.” They smooch, and smooch, and smooch.
Madison just got the first one-on-one date of the season, and the news hits Savannah hard. Get it together, gurl — it’s day two.
Back on the group date, Shiann is crying again, because Kelley had the sheer audacity to interrupt her chat with Peter. Tiffany is incensed on her friend’s behalf. “You cheated to get your time, and now you want more time?” She did and she does. And now this is happening:
Yep, Kelley got the date rose… and Peter just let it slip in front of the whole group that this is the place where he and Kelley first met. Someone’s gonna need a bigger back — that target is growing.
The next day, Peter picks Madison up for her date and takes her… home? Holy crap, Pilot Pete’s adorable parents are renewing their vows in their backyard, and he brought Madison as his date! Here comes Pete’s little brother Jack, walking his mom Barbara down the aisle.
Dammit, am I seriously crying already? That usually doesn’t happen until hometown dates. Oh no, now Barbara and Peter wrote their own vows. “You’re my best friend and the love of my life,” says Barbara. “How did I get so lucky?” asks Peter Sr., wiping away tears. “I’ve loved you for the past 33 years, and I promise to love you for the rest of my life.” I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TISSUES FOR THIS, PEOPLE.
“This is the most incredible first date I’ve ever been on in my life!” gushes Madison. Of course, producers make sure that when Barbara tosses her bouquet, Madison is there to catch it.
At dinner, Madison and Peter talk about wanting a long and happy marriage, like their parents have. And perhaps this shouldn’t be surprising since she did just meet Peter’s family, but Madison is already starting to sound a little territorial about the Bachelor. “It’s scary,” she says. “This is going to be really hard, like, having to share you.” Still, Madison tells Peter that he should trust his heart. “I want you to be with the person that’s the best fit for you.” In case you were wondering, Madison gets the date rose — and the first “private” concert of the season. (Is it me, or does Tenille Arts look a lot like JoJo Fletcher?)
The final group date of the week goes to Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah, and Savannah. The date card reads, “I hope this isn’t awkward,” and you know what that means: It’s (finally) Hannah Brown time!
Peter meets the women at the Avalon Theatre and tells them that “a very good friend” has planned the date for them. Of course, it’s Hannah, and she’s standing on stage next to a giant windmill. (BECAUSE SHE AND PETER HAD SEX IN A WINDMILL — GET IT?) Looks like this is one of those “sex story” dates, because Alabama Hannah proceeds to regale the women with the tale of her windmill romp with Pilot Pete.
The women seem less bothered by the “tell a personal story about sex in front of a live audience” activity than they are by Hannah’s continued presence. “Does she still like him?” wonders Alayah. “She keeps showing up.” Perhaps the “ladies” should be worried, because after talking to producers about her lingering feelings for Peter, Hannah is backstage crying. And to make matters worse, it’s her birthday — and she’s still single!
Hannah tells Peter that seeing him at the mansion on night one was “terrible.” The Bachelor admits that a little part of him was hoping that she was there to compete for his heart as a contestant — and then Hannah goes on to say that she doesn’t know what she was doing when she sent him home in Greece. “I’m really f—ed up!” she sobs. “I question what I should have done.”
Peter wants to know if Hannah ever considered asking him out on After the Final Rose instead of Tyler. Seeing her confess her feelings for Tyler on live TV definitely hurt his feelings, and it seems like he’s been stewing over this for a while. “I don’t want to be someone’s, like, third option,” he says. “Then it was just tough because I found out you’d moved, like, 20 minutes from where I live… I thought that I was not confused, but now, I don’t know.” Hannah’s defense is that Tyler reached out to her after the finale, whereas Peter “didn’t say anything.” So she felt like Tyler was more open to a second chance with her. Plus, “I thought you wanted to be the Bachelor!”
As for Peter’s vague and mumbly suggestion that Hannah join this season of The Bachelor as one of the contestants? I rarely quote Cher Horowitz but now I must: As if! For one thing, Hannah was already the Bachelorette — does Peter truly expect her to undergo the humiliation of a demotion? Also, here are the facts: Hannah’s birthday is Sept. 24. Her season of Dancing With the Stars premiered Sept. 16, so even if she had really wanted to drop everything and run away with Pilot Pete, her DWTS obligations would’ve made it very difficult. I suppose ABC could have replaced her just as they replaced Christie Brinkley, but they probably would’ve needed to know with absolute certainty that Hannah would make Peter’s final four… Still, I don’t buy it.
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For now, though, it’s fun to pretend! Hannah and Peter continue to go back and forth, debating their past feelings and potential future. “I don’t know what to do right now, I’m so confused,” frets Peter, who suddenly just now realizes that he’s not, in fact, over his breakup with Hannah. “I can’t help how my heart feels,” he says. “I feel like such a jerk because I have such an awesome group of girls here expecting to meet someone who was truly ready to have this work.”
Yes, we’ll have to wait until next week to see how that “awesome group of girls” reacts to the news that Hannah and Peter have unfinished business. (Spoiler: They cry a lot.) Since we all know that Hannah did not end up joining Peter’s season, let’s focus on the “ladies” who are officially on the roster. Is Kelley coming on too strong? Will Hannah Ann and Madison suffer the curse of the FIR and first one-on-one date, respectively? And do you think Jenna gets to bring her “emotional support cow” on the plane home? Post your thoughts below, rose lovers, and I’ll see you back here next week.
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